Slaying Dragons

Whew. I feel like I just ran a marathon, and all I was doing was trying to log in!

Anyway,

So recently I got a text message from a dear friend of mine, and she informed me that a former co-worker of ours had committed suicide. Since this happened (December 23rd), there has been the inevitable rush of questions. Questions that, for the most part, I am no stranger to answering--I am usually helping others figure out the answers, and focused a little less on my own personal reactions, however. Now, the deceased is not a good friend of mine. I actually don’t think that I have spoken to him in about 4 1/2 years. I feel like I'm not really entitled to be upset about this, but I still am. There was a post on social media that flagged all of the people that he had worked with...probably at least 50, and there were certainly some who were not included.

The thing is, he was one of our own. He was one of us. He knew better...but he didn't. All of the meds, and the wishing and praying and thoughts of him are pretty much useless now, except to the survivors. There is a certain peace to coming together in mourning. There is a certain confusion here, too...which mode am I supposed to be in? To further complicate things, when I worked with him, I was a supervisor, so I had a bit of a different, slightly removed role than some of the others. I was never sure, as a supervisor, how people really looked at me. Maybe he hated me. I accept that as a possibility, but I still think to myself: "what a tragedy"! He was a quirky, fun, interesting guy. I remember him for his fondness for all things glitter and sarcastic. He was also deeply devoted to his job, to his work in crisis intervention, and he was good at it. I can’t even begin to imagine to consider how many lives he touched, or even saved, himself.

I posted the following on that social media page, and since I did, I can’t get this idea out of my head...I feel like we mental health practitioners are like knights. We were out slaying dragons, and while we were gone, one snuck into our home, with tragic results. That we are often so vigilant about our clients, and taking care of their needs, that sometimes we forget to look at home, and see how those around us are impacted. As someone who knew the deceased, I don’t feel that I could have had any impact on his choice to do what he did. I know that might sound harsh, but I say this because we have been out of touch for so long, and clinically, I understand that once a person really makes a decision to go through with suicide, there is little anyone can do to stop it. I do wonder if I should have tried harder to maintain contact over these years, and if that would have mattered, but I don't think it probably would have. We never had a deep connection, not really friends, but more respect as colleagues.

This is actually my second interaction with suicide in as many weeks. A former client of mine lost her 20-something daughter just before Christmas. So much tragedy. I attended the memorial service for her, out of respect for my client. Death and funerals are not that uncomfortable for me. Strange, I know--but I know grief, I know what to do with it, and I have trained extensively in grief work, so those details I can manage. The pending memorial for my colleague may be different...it is yet to be seen.

I guess I should wrap this up before it gets (more) ramble-y. I have to attend to the ongoing dirge of paperwork and work responsibilities....I keep talking with colleagues, touching bases with those I know, and working to make sure that there are not others out there that I can positively impact. Until next time!

therapist changes

I have read several books on therapy. Some were to help me learn more about a skill that I'm not so confident about, and some were just more along the lines of how, as a therapist, to deal with the other stuff, the emotional impact of counseling. People ask me all the time, "Isn't it depressing to listen to people's problems all day?" well, the truth is, sometimes, yes. However, the majority of the time, I am able to separate myself from other people's emotional states. I read an article once (or was it a book?) that stated that every patient changes the therapist...some a little, and some a lot. There are patients that I will never forget. There are the ones that say outlandish things, or streak (back when I was working more with the hospitals), but I'm talking about the emotional impacts...the ones that strike a chord when you realize..."Hey, that could be me". 
    There are some great books out there that talk about therapy, etc. One of my favorites is "Bad Therapy: Master Therapists Share Their Worst Failures" By Jeffrey Kottler and Jon Carlson. I was telling a colleague about this book, and they commented that it sounded really depressing. I stopped to consider this, because I hadn't thought of it that way, but I dont think so. I think there is something very refreshing about the idea that the most acclaimed, accomplished, highly educated people in my field are willing to admit that they too make mistakes. Most every job is tough, in it's own way, and I can only speak for my own career, but therapy is such a subjective, and generally private thing, rarely do we ever get evaluated by an outsider. Most of the feedback about our competency comes from the rare occasion a client voices some opinion. And in my experience, and the experiences of so many other therapists that I have spoken with, we are terrible judges of how the client feels therapy ended. Sometimes just listening to client is exactly what they need, though they may leave the session, and I think: "I dont feel like I did anything!" There are so many things that color our interactions with clients, not the least of which is the client's willingness and readiness to consider change, and of course our own filters that we use to see the world, including the client's issues. .
    It seems that in the past, no matter what, there was at least one patient every week (sometimes one a day!) who made me wonder after the session if I did or said "the right thing". I found a way to let that go...and here is the secret. Understand this: There is no Right Way. As long as I can remind myself, and understand that I am acting in a way that is in alignment with the best interest of the person I am talking to--or what I understand to be the best interest of the person, at the time of the conversation--then I have done what I could. I try to take advice from the book mentioned earlier, and take the time to consider my work, if I am serving the client in the best way I can, if I am meeting whatever need they have at the time. That's really all I can do. And yet, given all that, I wouldn't change careers. I love what I do. I will try to continue to allow myself to be open to the ways that others influence and impact me...every client. Whew. Sorry to get all philosophical there...I'm done now!

Staying on the beam

So, it's been quite a long time since my last post--almost a year and a half. I sort of forgot about it, to be honest. I'm feeling my creative impuses, and decided to use them while they're here...

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about balance. Not in the "fall off the beam" sort of way, but in the "all parts of life" way. Balance is something that I preach to my patients often. Why? Because having a quiet mind starts with having a balanced life. Now, if only it were as easy to do as to say! 

Often clients will come to me and talk about how stressed they are about one particular aspect of their life. We all go through stressors, but what makes this dangerous (or more difficult) is that when more than one area of our lives is out of balance, we really struggle. Let me try to explain. We all function in differing roles of our life...friendships (social), extended  and immediate family relationships, work or hobbies, etc. So, when one of these areas is out of alignment, we rely on the others to provide some stability for us. The problem is, none of these areas is always stable. So, they morph in and out of various levels of stability. When we encounter long term stress in one area, or high levels of stress in multiple areas at once, it reduces or eliminates some of the stability. Still with me? So, when work is stressful, I can still feel some respite when I go home, or when I work on my hobby, or I can get support from my friends or family. When I am stressed at work, fighting with my spouse (not that that ever happens...) low on the financial side, cant work on my hobby, struggling with friendships, and so on, this is when the stress REALLY hits home. Suddenly, I dont have calm in the other areas of my life to depend on, and there is only chaos.

So, what to do about this?  How to manage this when it does happen? Well, first off, be familiar with your roles in life. Understand the different directions that you are being pulled in. Evaluate these roles. Is there a role that is ALWAYS stressful to you? Constant stress in one role puts you in a dangerous position if some event happens in another role that you dont have control over. Now you are teetering in that place of multiple stressors, the dangerous ground where you are losing stability....So, if the first is to understand and evaluate your roles, what is the next step? Carefully examine those roles that have constant stress. What can you do to resolve some of it? Maybe this is a big step, like beginning a job search, or asking your spouse to take on some of the household responsibilities. Maybe it's a smaller step, like reaching out to someone to talk to when you need to. And maybe, just maybe, it means talking to a therapist to help you sort this out*.


Now, please understand something. I'm not saying that you can't function with multiple areas of stress. Realistically, there are things that happen that we may not be able to control...your kid gets sick on the day of the biggest work presentation of your career, or your spouse accidentally unplugs your alarm clock and you oversleep for your final exam. Things happen. If they are short term things, they are manageable for most people for a while. When we have long term stress, it impacts our body, our mental health, and our other relationships.

I just want to mention one other point about balance, and then I will step off my soapbox. I also find an astounding number of people who tell me things like, "I always used to like to ______, but I just dont do it anymore". Sometimes there is good reason for this (an injury that keeps you from running, for instance), but often the reason is just because they can't find the time, or they dont have the motivation. I find that sometimes the hobby is something that connects them to a whole other side of themself--an artistic person who is no longer drawing or sculpting, for example. A writer not writing, and so on. If there is a part of you that you have always enjoyed exercising, and you are no longer using it,  it starts to eat at you. It starts slowly, but eventually becomes this gaping hole that eats away until it occurs to us...HEY! I'm not writing/running/drawing/sewing/building anymore! I believe that this is also about balance. It's about understanding the parts of ourselves that need to be accessed, and exercising them, in order to keep us in balance. Well, I think that's enough for today. I'm excited to work this blog again. This is me, striving for my own balance. I have a list of topics I intend to get to, including therapist frustration, depression, hypnosis, and others...stay tuned!

*shameless plug for therapy.

Here Goes Nothing!

So...I've long thought that I would like to write about some of my experiences. This blog is about me, my life, and my job. I'm a mental health therapist. Well, technically, I'm a "Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor", which means that I'm licensed to practice counseling (therapy) with patients on my own (no supervision). It means I have a Master's in Psychology (clinical psych, in my case). More about the job in a bit...

I wont be disclosing too much info, as I live in a small community, and although I wont be mentioning any names or identifying characteristics of my clients, and it seems pretty unlikely that any will read this...well, you know.

So, here I am. I have been in the field for 11 years now. I have the kind of job that people in my field dream about...It's a private practice, but part of a larger facility, so I have support staff that make my life SO much easier. In 11 years, I have dealt with situations that have made me laugh, cry, shake my head, yell, and sometimes, wonder why I do this. Let me provide some examples....

First, I want to preface this by saying that I (inappropriately) use diagnoses as labels, and I want to point that out because normally, I don't like that. However, since I am not using names, I figure I will do it this way to keep things a little clearer. So, on to the examples...

There was a schizophrenic who handed me a plastic cup, stated that it was his soul, and asked, "Could you keep it on your desk until Tuesday?"

There was a 20 something who was my client for 3 years and left 3 small children behind when she overdosed and put herself in a coma...I never did hear if she survived or not, but I still do online searches for her obituary sometimes.

There was a narcissist who told me that his mother should give him a card on mother's day to thank him for being such a wonderful son.

There was the anger management client who told me that even though he finished his court ordered sessions, he would like to continue working with me, because he had been arrested for yelling at a cop 2 days prior. After I wrote a letter to the court stating that he intended to voluntarily continue, he canceled the next appt and never came back.(there is nothing I could have done any differently about that--but it still annoys me).

Don't get the wrong idea, I have some pretty fantastic, hard working clients too. I do feel pretty rewarded when a person makes progress...I had one person whom I only met with 3 times, and then I never saw again. I had another client come in and tell me that they were referred by the first one, who thought I was "amazing"! I dont take any credit for that, sometimes people are just ready to change, and all I do is listen.

So before I drag on and on and things get tiresome, here is one more thing you should know about me: I'm kind of sarcastic sometimes. I'm ok with that, it turns out, but I don't really know how well sarcasm will come across in writing, so we'll have to see how things go...