Whew. I feel like I just ran a marathon, and all I was doing was trying to log in!
Anyway,
So recently I got a text message from a dear friend of mine, and she informed me that a former co-worker of ours had committed suicide. Since this happened (December 23rd), there has been the inevitable rush of questions. Questions that, for the most part, I am no stranger to answering--I am usually helping others figure out the answers, and focused a little less on my own personal reactions, however. Now, the deceased is not a good friend of mine. I actually don’t think that I have spoken to him in about 4 1/2 years. I feel like I'm not really entitled to be upset about this, but I still am. There was a post on social media that flagged all of the people that he had worked with...probably at least 50, and there were certainly some who were not included.
The thing is, he was one of our own. He was one of us. He knew better...but he didn't. All of the meds, and the wishing and praying and thoughts of him are pretty much useless now, except to the survivors. There is a certain peace to coming together in mourning. There is a certain confusion here, too...which mode am I supposed to be in? To further complicate things, when I worked with him, I was a supervisor, so I had a bit of a different, slightly removed role than some of the others. I was never sure, as a supervisor, how people really looked at me. Maybe he hated me. I accept that as a possibility, but I still think to myself: "what a tragedy"! He was a quirky, fun, interesting guy. I remember him for his fondness for all things glitter and sarcastic. He was also deeply devoted to his job, to his work in crisis intervention, and he was good at it. I can’t even begin to imagine to consider how many lives he touched, or even saved, himself.
I posted the following on that social media page, and since I did, I can’t get this idea out of my head...I feel like we mental health practitioners are like knights. We were out slaying dragons, and while we were gone, one snuck into our home, with tragic results. That we are often so vigilant about our clients, and taking care of their needs, that sometimes we forget to look at home, and see how those around us are impacted. As someone who knew the deceased, I don’t feel that I could have had any impact on his choice to do what he did. I know that might sound harsh, but I say this because we have been out of touch for so long, and clinically, I understand that once a person really makes a decision to go through with suicide, there is little anyone can do to stop it. I do wonder if I should have tried harder to maintain contact over these years, and if that would have mattered, but I don't think it probably would have. We never had a deep connection, not really friends, but more respect as colleagues.
This is actually my second interaction with suicide in as many weeks. A former client of mine lost her 20-something daughter just before Christmas. So much tragedy. I attended the memorial service for her, out of respect for my client. Death and funerals are not that uncomfortable for me. Strange, I know--but I know grief, I know what to do with it, and I have trained extensively in grief work, so those details I can manage. The pending memorial for my colleague may be different...it is yet to be seen.
I guess I should wrap this up before it gets (more) ramble-y. I have to attend to the ongoing dirge of paperwork and work responsibilities....I keep talking with colleagues, touching bases with those I know, and working to make sure that there are not others out there that I can positively impact. Until next time!
